The Comparison Game
Several years ago, one of my students, who was in his mid 70s, stopped by my class and announced that he had decided to quit. I asked him for a reason, expecting him to cite a health or age-related issue. He surprised me by responding, “I can’t keep up with the others. I’m not as good as the others.” I intuited that he got caught up in the “Comparison Game.”
I responded, “What? Wait. I had no idea that you felt that way.“
In his case, the age gap between him and the other students affected his perception that he wasn’t as good as the others and couldn’t keep up.
The truth of the matter is that he was doing fine in class. He was a sponge and kept up with everyone else. While I could not convince him to stick with us, I did manage to persuade him to start private lessons with me six months later.
Another case in point: I had a talented student progressing well through the ranks. She then suddenly stopped coming to class. Long story short, I learned from a friend that she felt like an imposter. In other words, she had “imposter syndrome” and thought she wasn’t as good as the others.
The problem is that they got caught up in the comparison game. Let’s face it, all of us compare ourselves to other people. This problem seems, to me, worse in martial arts classes. The comparison game is often harmful, corrosive, and often destroys one’s self-confidence.
The comparison game can manifest itself in various ways. It is common for martial arts students to compare themselves to others in the same class. The comparison can be based on another person’s skill or rank.
Based on my 35-plus years in martial arts, the comparison is often unfavourable. “I’m not as good as that guy.” “I feel like I’m not progressing.” “I’m an imposter.” “Why am I not at that rank yet?” The result is that they end up feeling like crap.
I can tell you that it’s a killer to do that. It does you no good to compare yourself to other people. Most of the time, it will just make you unhappy. Martial arts-wise, focus on your skill level and the requirements for the next rank. Don’t compare yourself to somebody else. Trust me on this; this is a corrosive thought process.
If at all, talk to a mentor and get feedback. Very often, their perception will differ markedly from yours.
In the past, I allowed myself to get caught up in the comparison game early in my martial arts career. The result was always the same: in my mind, I came up short every fucking time. It was unbelievably corrosive to my confidence. I take responsibility for allowing myself to get into that mindset.
Over the years, as I got more involved in Modern Arnis, I started soliciting instructor feedback. When I often see Master Chuck Gauss, Master Gaby, or Master Ken Smith, I ask them: “What do I need to work on?” “How am I doing? What are my weaknesses?” The effect of this kind of conversation is that it reorients your focus back to yourself. This way, I avoid comparing myself to others and focus on myself as best as possible.
Based on my 35 years in martial arts, the funny thing is that many people who get stuck in the comparison game do not speak up and solicit feedback.
Let me give you an example from my high school years.
I played high school football. I was a reasonably decent running back in junior high school. When I got to high school, I continued to play that position. I lost my job after misunderstanding the QB in the huddle. I ended up comparing myself to the guy who replaced me.
On the one hand, it was clear that he would fare better in the huddle since he had normal hearing. On the other hand, I resented him because I perceived that my athletic ability was better than his. I let all that stew inside of me. I never spoke up. In hindsight, I should have told the coaches, “Maybe that was not the best position for me. What can I do to help the team? Where can I help?“
But I never took that step. In hindsight, I wish that I had. My high school football days would have ended up on a more positive note. But I’ll never know because I never approached the coaches.
Just don’t get into the comparison game. It’s corrosive as hell and has caused martial arts students to quit. If you detect yourself doing so, approach the instructor for feedback and see if he/she can help you. You might be surprised!
Over to you; what are your thoughts on this topic?
Something I’ve struggled with (as a pudgy middle aged matron who only started seriously training at age 50). But I think just about every non-narcissistic person goes through this from time to time. How we are seen by others is psychologically important so we compare ourselves to others. I have to work hard to compare myself not to others but to the “me” from 10 years or even 5 years ago (or a year ago or a month ago…). The changes are real and they’re spectacular! 😉
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[…] Judging themselves: often this does not rear its ugly head until after one has joined the class. I’ve had two students who quit over this issue. They berated themselves so mercilessly that they left. Fortunately, I have addressed this issue with others by reminding them to focus on “progression instead of perfection.” I’ve learned to spot this issue early on. Better to nip it in the bud early. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to spot this when a prospective student is considering joining. […]
[…] Don’t look at how well someone else is doing in class. Focus on the process, one step at a time on the way to your goal. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you are focusing on YOU instead of someone else. It’s okay to compare but don’t let the comparisons discourage you or kill you. […]