While teaching the self-defence classes at the Abilities Centre a couple of weeks ago, I discussed the concepts of setting boundaries, assertiveness, and self-permission. One of the exercises during this particular class involved one person invading their partner’s personal space.

The defender had to assert themselves and stop the other person from invading their personal space by putting their hand up and saying “NO!” with a firm, assertive tone.

To backtrack, the students at the Abilities Centre are a vibrant part of the accessibility community. Some are developmentally delayed. A couple uses wheelchairs. Some are non-verbal. All are willing to learn self-defence.

This is the front of the Abilities Centre complex.
The beautiful facility where I teach self-defence classes for developmentally delayed adults

In this class, they generally got the idea of asserting themselves and using a firm voice for self-protection.

However, I soon discovered that they didn’t quite get that repeatedly asserting yourself is a key component of their self-defence repertoire. They keep questioning their own judgment.

For example, I would role-play a creep who has invaded their personal physical space. Nearly all did well creating space for themselves and firmly saying ”no.”

But when I pressed further or refused to listen and kept invading their personal space, many stopped saying ”no.” They abandoned their self-permission.

I shifted my lesson to emphasize that repeatedly saying”NO” or ”BACK OFF” is perfectly okay.

Me: “Just keep saying ‘No’ until I stop invading your space.“

Their response: ”We can do that?”

I told them: “Yeah! You have a right to refuse any approach. If it means that you have to repeat yourself or be rude, do it!”

I could see from the looks on their faces that my students struggled with the idea of being assertive or rude. I suspect that their compliance is far more due to cultural conditioning than their disabilities. It’s difficult to accept that the most important person is YOU.

Let me be clear. Many people, not just my students at the Abilities Centre, experience difficulty permitting themselves to assert themselves for the sake of their safety. Self-permission is key for them.

I continued this theme in the next class. Rather than lecturing them on the need to assert themselves repeatedly, I decided to go through various role-playing scenarios and have them practice their responses to me.

A sample scenario:

Me: “Hey, I hear you’re a big Raptors fan. Want to go to a Raptors’ game?”

Participant: “Yes, I would like to!”

Me: “Awesome, but you have to do one favour for me.”

Participant: “What is that?“

Me: “Take your clothes off and let me take pictures of you.”

At this point, I know they will say “NO” or many variations of “No.” Last week, I was concerned about the next step: They need to permit themselves to set their boundaries.

Me: “Oh come on, no one will ever see these pictures. Besides, we’re friends, right?”

Participant: “No, I’m not doing that!”

Me: “What’s the problem? It’s fun! We’ll keep it between the two of us!”

Participant: “I said no! I am not interested in that!“

They all did great in this particular session. I told them that they had the option of not participating. A couple opted not to participate, but many did. I changed up the scenarios quite a bit. Some were sexual, and some involved financial manipulation. I tried to discourage them from permitting themselves to tell me off!

Other scenarios involved outright manipulative crap. A couple of them were unsure in their responses but, with some coaching, got it. Nearly all of them responded appropriately and firmly. More importantly, they were happy to know they could repeat their “NO” as often as they wanted.

After the role-playing exercises, we worked on palm strikes, front kicks, and elbows—lots of energy during this portion of the class. In the larger picture, though, verbal and assertiveness training is far more critical than physical skills.

Over to you, have any of you emphasized vocal and assertiveness training? The concept of self-permission?

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